That was the title of Glee's latest episode on Tuesday. First, I want to say j'adore, Glee, because you are a wonderfully hilarious musicomedy. But this particular episode had a lot of subtler, emotional moments that really drove home (no pun intended) the importance of discovering where one belongs. Which is probably why, by the time Kurt finished singing "A House is Not a Home," I was bawling like a baby. Actually, I don't think there was a good portion of the show that I wasn't in tears. Even if the Luther Vandross song is about love lost (not really something I worry about), the sentiment of the song just made me a gloopy mess (is "gloopy" a word? I use that to describe the ugly black streak left by your mascara after you've cried your eyes out).
I guess it's just one of those days (or weeks) that I'm feeling particularly homesick. It's interesting coz I remember writing about being homesick when I was in Berkeley, and that was just a five-hour drive from San Gabriel. But, and this is key, now that I look back at that experience, I can't imagine it any other way. Because I met great friends, found exciting things to do and things to keep me busy, my overall Berkeley experience is irreplaceable. If anything, there were a lot of things I wish I should've done during my college years (maybe bought a fake ID?). Hmm...I might just go all Van Wilder and go back to college for that. :)
Joking aside, I think it would be a great personal accomplishment when, years down the road, I would look back at this particular stage of my life and not be able to imagine it being better another way. I think it's hard to imagine that at this point, because I'm still so fixated on California, on all the things that were. And you really can't blame a girl for reminiscing--hard--about "those days," when the biggest concern was making a 10-page paper not sound too full of B.S. or choosing a blow-off class of the semester (thank you for the term, Jeff Winger). Gosh, I say that like I've been out of college forever, when it's been less than a year. hehe. Come to think about it, isn't it funny how we tend to belittle our dilemmas of yesteryears and scoff at how naive we were? Which begs the question, is any endeavor really worth the stress, the drama, the tears, when all it seems we're doing is just trying to get to that next level? At what point does a pursuit become truly worth our time, when 20 years down the road you can claim that you're still really proud of that accomplishment? I mean, can I really still brag about having scored 5 on 2 AP courses in high school, or having graduated magna cum laude from UC Berkeley? Then again, the flipside of this is all the seemingly "little" toils that we do every year of our life builds us up into the successful people that we turn into. I'm probably mulling about this a little too deeply because I haven't defined what that "success" means for me yet. And also, because digressing from my original thought wouldn't make me think too much of home again.
But back to the topic of being comfortable where I am. I honestly am happy with certain aspects of my life. I'm proud of actually taking that step and moving to Minnesota & working for Target. I'm proud that I can afford my own apartment at 21. I'm truly excited about the accomplishments I have at work. I like my co-workers and I adore my new friends sincerely. But, pieces of my life are just that -- pieces. I need to be wholly contented; although "contented" sounds like such a staid word. Maybe the word I'm looking for is...oh wait, it's in the title. I want to feel at home.
Even as I was typing that last sentence there's still a part of me resistant to the idea. And maybe I'm not meant to stay in Minnesota forever; then again maybe I'm going to buy my first house here! Let's put it this way: I want to want to be here for as long as I'm here. And it may take me a while to figure out how to do that, but I'm glad I'm doing things to get to that point, albeit at a slow pace, like meeting new people and exploring the city and going to Duluth in May. And even if the things that will make me feel at home in Minnesota are valid only for now, what better time to try and be fully & truly happy than right now?
I feel like you're more "ate" in this post. haha.
ReplyDeleteI remember emailing you few years back, while i was in nursing school. I told you how depressed I was because my grades were not good enough. It was seriously the end of the world for me, complete with bouts of major panic attacks. I guess at that point in time, studying defined my worth as a person. Now that i look back, I feel so dumb for stressing out too much. haha.
oh my gosh! that Glee episode made me extremely homesick too. So homesick that I actually drove home today....like...to home! I couldn't sleep this whole week as everything just felt so un-homeish. But I know it will all past, eventually.
ReplyDeleteI love this entry! You know, its funny b/c most of us live life and and find meaning and definition of is by always striving to 'get to the next level.' Come to think about it, while life may be a progression as you grow and mature-the experience won't always be. There will be times when you may have to take a step back, work backwards and what not but in the end, it all contributes to who you are as a person and to the life story being created within you. We may stress about certain things at the moment but its not like you can truly prevent it then. In looking back, we tend to belittle such actions but during that time, it was a big deal. Don't feel bad for how you reacted at that moment b/c it gives you something to laugh/smile about in the future!